By Kaden Pradhan
London, United Kingdom
Special Committee of Global Leaders
Boris Johnson: Right! Climate! The earth is hot! No more turtles in plastic! Sign here!
Emmanuel Macron: Idiote, do you actually haf any idea what is le global warming?
Boris Johnson: Absolutely! The earth is hot, so scientists say it’s getting colder! Stay Home, Protect the NHS, Save Lives! Let’s come together, and stop the cooling of the world, which is resulting in a slow and inexorable rise in temperatures! Ars longa, vita brevis!
Prince Charles: I rather think you’ve got the wrong idea, old boy.
Joe Biden is sitting in the corner, silent and wearing sunglasses.
Ursula von der Leyen: Sauerkraut! We have a blockhead in our midst!
Alok Sharma: Well, er, firstly, ‘sauerkraut’ isn’t, er, a real swear word, and, uhm, secondly, er, the EU is a bloc, not Great Britain, in fact, I think you’ll find.
The Duchess of Cornwall begins softly humming ‘Rule Britannia’.
P. Charles (quietly): Hush, Camilla.
Macron: Iz zis meeting actually haffing a porpoise? Or can we go? I have des boats that I must send from le Calais to the British coast.
Johnson: Yes, quite! Let’s get back on point! Stop the spread! Hands, Face, Space!
A gentle snore comes from Joe Biden.
Guy Parmelin: Bonjour, bonjour. I come from Switzerland. Extremely relevant country, very relevant!
Moon Jae-in: While we are all here, may I take the opportunity to present the new Samsung phone? It has state-of-the-art fingerprint recognition and facial databasing, in collaboration with Huawei. It also has—
Justin Trudeau: Is it GREEN?
Moon: I’m sorry … ?
Trudeau: Is it GREEN? You know, ECO? … HIP? … IN NO VAY TIV?
Moon: If … if you insist …
Moon, nervous and perplexed, slides slowly away from Trudeau.
Sharma: Right. As you all know, er, we are here to, uhm, discuss reducing the use of coal.
Johnson: Yes! Coal! Coal mines! We’re opening several! Increasing the number of mines so that there is a general decrease in our coal usage! Alea iacta est!
Nana Akufo-Addo: Wait … isn’t that meant to be the other way around?
Alberto Fernández: Actually … that makes a lot of sense. Psicología Inversa! Reverse psychology, but on a mass scale! Johnson, you’re a genius!
Johnson: Ah, hm, ha, well thank you. I knew that already though.
A screen turns on. Dreamy music plays, and Sir David Attenborough appears. The clever PR people told him he’s making a documentary to explain climate change to five-year-olds. The whole room, except Sleeping Joe, listens, entranced. They now understand perfectly.
Fernández: I get it now …
Stefan Lofven: So all this time, the massive Swedish oil industry was bad for the environment?? And no-one told me???
António Guterres (pained): Stefan, the UN have been telling you that for literal centuries.
Johnson: And as you all know, climate change is of course, not real.
The entire room erupts into chaos. First leaders start arguing loudly, then it comes to blows. Trudeau is seen smacking Johnson. Sharma is banging his head repeatedly on the table. Guterres and Moon are executing judo moves on each other. Macron is not participating directly, but just being a general nuisance by smashing cups onto the floor.
In the midst of all this, Joe Biden awakes, and stands instantly, as if called to action.
Biden (bellowing): FRIENDS! LEADERS! MANY-COUNTRY MEN AND WOMEN! LEND ME YOUR EARS!
He proceeds to give a speech. It is the most powerful, resonant, beautiful thing those in the room have ever heard. They are moved to tears and sign an agreement abolishing all fossil fuels. Promptly after, Biden is escorted by hundreds of Secret Service agents to Marine One (now electric), and is spotted by journalists sitting in the back, asleep.